Saturday, June 12, 2010

Farting etiquette...

Whatever size, form or shape, toilet humor has always brought a smile to people’s faces.

So, even if someone does not like the idea of a whole post on Farting Etiquette, what the fart? I’ll still write it.

Mankind (yes not womankind, but strictly mankind) have always harbored an admiration for the powerful forces of nature.

Wind energy is the next best thing to fossil fuels, and as long as there’s food and men (and a combination of men who hog food) on the planet, there will be farts (well what i mean here is public farting).

Breaking wind is an essential fart of human nature. The fart of the matter is, no one can hold it any longer than 2 hours. This is scientifically proven at the Mirror-Cracked labs.

But then there are certain etiquettes when it comes to unleashing our wind upon the unsuspecting public, and not many men adhere to it.

Well, I think am wrong - no man has ever adhered to it, and no man ever will!!!

So here is my helping hand to all the men with a guide which can help themselves aware of what needs to be done, when they cannot hold it any longer.

Here are few tips on how to behave while farting:

  • If you’re alone, then let it out loudly, smile and say, “Wow, what a fart!”
  • If in a meeting with 4 or more people and you very quietly let loose, then slowly start pushing your chair away from the person sitting next to you and give him/her a dirty look. Others will follow suit. This technique is called Farting The Blame.
  • If you’re standing in a crowded bus, then make sure that you start pushing your way through the crowd slowly but steadily, moving towards the door, while farting quietly, so that the stink is distributed evenly throughout the length of the bus. (Not applicable outside India)
  • If you’re with a girlfriend and you realize that you have to break wind, then play some music and tell your partner that you’ll dance for her. Unleash the wind energy quietly while dancing. She will never know. It’s easier for smokers - they can just light up to kill the stink.
  • If you’re with someone who’s irritating you and you just want them to go away, then do the sonic-boom.

I sincerely hope this small but comprehensive guide helps people in di-stress.

Incase you need any formal demo, please get in touch with my dad!!

Thursday, June 10, 2010

Doing the right thing..

I like choices.

I bet we all do. But somehow we seem to take pride in our ability to deny ourselves things.

I am not getting into the monogamous institute of marriage ( it need not be, depending on where or into what you are born or even what you choose to be). I know you would love to get my foot in the mouth and make me sleep on the couch for the rest of my life but I will refrain.

Take for example food. I do not understand vegetarians. Why would anyone choose to be a vegetarian? I don't know. Our dental structure clearly shows that nature never intended us to be that way. We were meant to eat what we get.

We were never meant to be choosy but in some weird quirk of evolution, cockroaches lost the battle to supremacy and the mantel of Lord of all that he surveys fell upon us and then some prehistoric monkey developed a taste for vegetables.

I don't get it. I like those guys who one day gave up meat because they decided on humanitarian grounds not to be part of taking life... but lets face it; Fried chicken is far more tasty than your soul.

What I do have a problem with Vegetarians is something I was discussing with a couple of vegetarian friends of mine. They haven't really helped in the ecological balance of earth, which they could have if they had enlarged their menu. You see, it’s my earnest belief that we tend to conserve what we think is important to us.

We seem, somehow, to have an aversion towards dying.

Now if the vegetarians increased their diet to include the salads made from the nut or leaves of trees from the rain forest or made soups from the root of the cedar, oak or silver wood, we would have had a greener planet.

Instead they left it to the meat eaters to protect and breed their meals on legs which now threaten to fart us out of our planet.

Vegetarians could have been the saviors of our planet. I have always maintained that, for wild life to survive we just need to start developing a taste for them.

A tiger steak anyone?

My plan to save our planet is very simple. I have been thinking... Yes, it does occur. Now we all know that death is a great business. Funeral services are the only business that can claim year long supply of customers.

Recession or not, people have to die. So, my plan is this. When we bury someone why don't we insert a seed of a tree into the corpse's heart? Think about it. You have one tree per dead person. You replace graveyards with forests. We can use the cremated ones ashes as fertilizers.

Personally I would like to be the worm food for a banyan tree.

Man, I’m so damn brilliant. Now all I have to do is create a religion around it so that you will take it seriously.

Nothing better than a little of brimstone, some fire and some infidels thrown in to motivate people to do the right thing.

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

Dying, Daily...

Many are shocked, angry and aghast about the number of innocent passengers killed recently in the ill-fated Air India Express flight that overshot the runway and fell down a deep ravine.

But where is the similar sense of outrage over the 118,000 people who died on Indian roads in 2008 alone. The reasons are not far to seek.

While road deaths in many other big emerging markets have declined or stabilized in recent years, even as vehicle sales jumped, in India, fatalities are skyrocketing — up 40 percent in five years to more than 118,000 in 2008, the last figure available.

A lethal brew of poor road planning, inadequate law enforcement, a surge in trucks and cars, and a flood of untrained drivers have made India the world’s road death capital. As the country’s fast-growing economy and huge population raise its importance on the world stage, the rising toll is a reminder that the government still struggles to keep its more than a billion people safe.

In China, by contrast, which has undergone an auto boom of its own, official figures for road deaths have been falling for much of the past decade, to 73,500 in 2008, as new highways segregate cars from pedestrians, tractors and other slow-moving traffic, and the government cracks down on drunken driving and other violations.

Evidence of road accidents seems to be everywhere in urban India. Highways and city intersections often glitter with smears of broken windshield and are scattered with unmatched shoes, shorn-off bicycle seats and bits of motorcycle helmet.

Tales of rolled-over trucks and speeding buses are a newspaper staple, and it is rare to meet someone in urban India who has not lost a family member, friend or colleague on the road.

The dangerous state of the roads represents a “total failure on the part of the government of India,” said Rakesh Singh, whose 16-year-old son, Akshay, was killed last year by an out-of-control truck in Bijnor, in the state of Uttar Pradesh, as he walked along a highway to a wedding.

The government has responded as governments traditionally do — by setting up committees.

“We propose to introduce an amendment bill in the ensuing budget session of parliament to set up a National Road Safety Management Board to strictly enforce road safety rules across the country,” Nath said at an interactive session with captains of industry here.

Admitting that India had the unfortunate distinction of having the worst road safety record in the world, Nath said the Road Safety Management Bill to amend the Motor Vehicles Act was being drafted in consultation with the central law ministry.

“The proposed board will lay down certain standards and rules to enforce the law. We need a holistic approach towards road safety with international standards,” Nath told the members of the Bangalore Chamber of Commerce and Industry (BCCI), which organized the session.

Ah yes. Another government department to solve the problems created, or at least ignored, by an existing government department. The story is endless, and endlessly repetitive. For instance, statistics indicate that in a particular year, over 600,000 drivers were issued with tickets for jumping red lights in Delhi alone.

The government’s response was to increase fines. Not enough, say traffic experts: “We have problems with signals, with road markings, signage, design failures, that is a large contributory factor,” added Baluja. “Signals you cannot see, behind bushes, they are not properly placed, if there are no stop lines, how would you know that you have crossed a stop line? “

All of that is the responsibility of the highways ministry — a responsibility it routinely abdicates, even as the minister in charge talks of ‘a bill to set up a board’ to solve the problem. What is needed, the World Bank has said even way back in 2007, is a complete, systemic overhaul of the system.

According to Sinha, the construction zones are not safe and at some sites large concrete blocks are used as traffic barriers, posing a major hazard. “If you happen to hit this block, you are dead,” said Sinha and proposed guardrail and plastic drums filled with sand or water instead.

He also said the whole highway system needs an overhaul and has put that in black and white in his report which was submitted to the World Bank last December.

“There are problems right from the planning stage, designs chosen, data collection of traffic volumes, planning, supervision and maintenance of highways. There is no accountability at all. The structure of NHAI itself is problematic as most of its engineers from state PWDs are on deputation. So there is no organizational loyalty, no accountability,” he said.

A government incapable of such systematic effort meanwhile tinkers with bills to set up more bureaucracies, and toys with increasing fines. To what end? What stiffer fines actually do is provide the under-staffed, poorly paid traffic police around the country with additional opportunities for corruption — which, in some areas, is even institutionalized, with rate cards and such.

It is not that we lack laws. What is really lacking is an organizational will to upgrade traffic infrastructure, and an official will to strictly impose those laws.

The problem is serious, and it is genuine — and yet, it does not get the attention it deserves, probably because the attritional toll our highways take is not as dramatic, as visceral as an air crash.

So try this: every eight minutes, one person dies in a road accident in India, and 10 are injured.

'Time to act' would you say?

What are the problems with traffic in India, as you see it?

What is it that the government needs to be doing, and isn’t?

And where does our responsibility begin and end?

All this and much more definitely calls for a debate in urnest at all levels of nation building.

Tuesday, June 8, 2010


Habits fascinate me. They are the compound interest of life. Over time they become powerful forces, the currents that sweep you through your life's journey. They are behind much of your luck and karma, whether good or bad.

We, as people, are really nothing more than a collection of habits. (Just try to think of some aspect of yourself that doesn't ultimately boil down to some sort of habit.)

Common examples of the power of interest...

:Most people don't realize that the average person pays for their house 3 times due to interest.

:Mathematics graphically explain why you would be a millionaire if, rather than smoke, you put the money for 2 packs a day into long term investments. (a quick check on an the first compound interest calculator I found on google shows that about $5.5 per day at 9%(average return from stocks) over 50 years adds up to $2 Million.)

That same power is working a zillion times per day in our personal habits. Every little thing we do is usually part of a habit. It can be aimed at making life better or worse, or just aimed randomly.

Mathematics can also explain why your life would tend to be set back by major accidents if you made habits out of taking little safety shortcuts. For instance, let's say that every time you jay walk you have one chance in 10,000 of an accident.

If you walk to and from work and end up jay walking 5 times per work day, that's 1000 times per year. In 5 years you have a 50/50 chance of being hit by a car during a jay walk.

What if you do it for 30 years?

Multiply that by the countless little habits that make up our lives and...

WOW! We really do create our own luck.